Colorful Kuchiki
by Seigetsu Ren
Summary: A typical day at the Kuchiki mansion is always not so typical. After all, you have a noodle wearing head of house, his not so little sister, and a bunch of gossiping servants! Welcome to this chronological collection of Kuchiki snapshots!
1. Bubble Tea

Motoko Aoyama: Hi everyone! I'm new to this category, but I really like Bleach so I decided to write something for it. Please be so kind as to read this story and give me so feedback afterwards! This is a chronological collection of post-series stories featuring the Kuchiki siblings, so hopefully you'll enjoy the humor involved. Because it is somewhat a parody, the characters may not be exactly like they are in the anime/manga. I apologize if this causes concern to you. Before reading, here is some Japanese vocabulary that I've used.

Shouji – the type of doors used in traditional Japanese buildings

Reiatsu – spirit power

Shinigami – I think everyone knows this one. It means Death God.

Nii-sama – respectful way of calling one's elder brother

Washi – the type of paper used in shouji doors

Kenseikan – the headdress that Byakuya wears

Fukutaichou – vice captain

Taichou – captain

Mochi – Japanese sticky rice cake. It is really good!

Hope that helps. Please enjoy the story!

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own the anime/manga Bleach but I admit I have bleach at home, blah!

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**Colorful Kuchiki**

Chapter 1: Bubble Tea

It was a typical night at the Kuchiki mansion. The gentle night breeze blew the leaves back and forth on their perches to cast moving shadows on the undergrowth. As usual, Kuchiki Byakuya sat silently at his table, looking at the spotless wooden surface beneath his hands under the dim light of his table lamp. He made sure that the shouji doors of the room were semi-open. It would seem that he was waiting for something, for someone, but he thought that was not his intention. He was merely enjoying the calmness of the night.

As the night deepened, Byakuya shifted in his seat. He figured that his empty desk wasn't all that enjoyable to look at. However, he still refused to leave for his bedroom.

The moon soon climbed to its peak, shining, in its radiance, upon the tranquil earth. Even the previously singing birds had retired to their nests. Byakuya closed his eyes and sighed, slight displeasure forming on his countenance. Just when he was about to stand up and leave, he felt a familiar reiatsu signature appear in the near distance. Immediately, the sixth division captain stumbled back to his seat and adjusted his robes in a tidy manner.

As Byakuya had expected, his adopted sister soon appeared at the doorway, still dressed in the shinigami uniform she had worn for her mission in the human world. She stood there silently, her hands folded in front of her lap while she bowed deeply.

"You may have a seat, Rukia," Byakuya mentioned in his remote tone, all the while facing the newcomer with his back. The petite shinigami dexterously bent her knees to kneel down on the floor without a sound. Pleased by his sister's manners, Byakuya continued, "Was there a reason for your delayed arrival?"

_Shit! _Rukia mentally swore. Of course it was mentally. There was no way she could use such profanity towards her honorable adopted brother, even in normal situations, not to mention the fact that she was currently in horrible trouble trying to explain why she didn't come back to Soul Society upon killing the hollow. It was obvious that Byakuya had already known that the hollow was killed within minutes of her arrival at the human world.

"I – I had some business with Urahara-san…I – I was running out of Soul Candy," Rukia stuttered. She mentally kicked herself for her nervousness, but maybe nii-sama would not notice since she was always nervous when talking to him anyway.

"Is that so?" Byakuya's cold voice asked with a hint of doubt, but he did not delve further into the matter, "It would've been more convenient to acquire your supplies prior to your mission next time."

"Hai, nii-sama," Rukia said, almost sighing in relief that her brother had gotten off the subject. However, she was still desperately trying to find an excuse to leave when Byakuya spoke again.

"Did you make any new discoveries in the human world?" Byakuya asked, still indifferent as usual. It seemed that he was an even better actor than Rukia when it came to hiding his curiosity.

_Why is he asking me that? What am I to say? There is no way I can tell him about going to Ichigo's house to watch Chappy the Rabbit cartoon on his tele…something, and I couldn't use that remo…something to turn on the tele…something, so he taunted me with that…bubble tea? Nii-sama would so scold me if he knows that I made a stupid bet with Ichigo that I can drink that bubble…tea thingy!_

"Erm…" Rukia muttered, fiddling uncomfortably under the silhouette of Byakuya's unmoving back, "I – I apologize for my incompetence, but I – I have not made any discoveries in the human world…"

There was a long pause, and Rukia would've sworn that her heart had stopped during the silence.

"Very well," Byakuya finally broke the tension, "you may take your leave."

Rukia couldn't have been happier to go back to bed.

* * *

When the sunlight shone through the translucent washi paper of the chamber doors to wake her from her slumber, Rukia was still troubling over how to drink the bubble tea that she had brought with her back to Soul Society. She tried using the straws that came with juice packets, but she soon found out that they were too short for the job, not to mention that it was too small for the black circular thingies called "bubbles" to pass through the tube. She definitely needed a much longer, larger straw for such a task. The problem was where can she find a tool of such description in Soul Society? She hadn't even seen a regular straw in her whole life before her encounters with Ichigo! 

With that last thought lingering in her head, Rukia changed into her shinigami robes and walked to the dining room for breakfast.

* * *

As always, the Kuchiki head of house was already finishing up his breakfast when his little sister entered the room. It wasn't unfortunate for the young female shinigami though, because whenever she ate together with her brother, she would lose her appetite. If she made the slightest noise chewing her food, or drinking her soup, or even moving her utensils on the plates, she would be met with a pair of staring eyes. Sure, Byakuya never did anything but stare at those occasions, but his stares were enough to cause anyone to lose their sense of taste no matter how delicious the food was. 

"Sit down, Rukia," Byakuya stated when he saw Rukia enter the room. She did as she was told and sat down at her usual seat, the seat farthest away from Byakuya on the table.

Rukia carefully lifted her chopsticks and picked up a single grain of rice to put in her mouth as she took a quick glance at Byakuya's food. _Only 1/3 of his miso soup left. He should leave in a minute! _Suppressing her smile at the rate Byakuya was finishing his food, Rukia picked up a second grain of rice and cautiously placed it in her mouth without a sound.

"Have my kenseikan been washed, Mika," Byakuya said as he placed his bowl down after he had finished his food. Rukia was inwardly grateful that his last comment was not directed to her.

"Yes, it has been washed and dried, Kuchiki-sama," the servant said as she stepped forth slightly with her head lowered.

"Good," was all Byakuya said before he got up to leave the room. Everyone relaxed when they felt his reiatsu leave the mansion's grounds.

_Did Mika just say kenseikan? How come I've never thought of that! Kenseikan is a series of long, large tubes, right?

* * *

_

It was definitely not a good idea.

It was definitely a horrible idea when the thirteenth division vice-captain decided to skip the last part of her paperwork to go home early.

"Could you please finish up this last bit for me, Kiyone?" Rukia asked as she pointed at the few sheets of paper left on her desk.

"Of course, Kuchiki-fukutaichou! I'm honored to be able to do such a thing for you! It is something that you can not trust Kotsubaki to do, you know!" Kiyone blurted out in happiness as she sat down at the vice-captain's table.

"You must not do that, Kuchiki-fukutaichou! Kiyone would be too stupid to do the job!"

"Who are you calling stupid?"

"Are you too stupid to know I was calling you stupid?"

"You are the one who is too stupid to tell a smart person as myself from stupid people like you!"

Rukia sighed as the two argued. She could care less who finished up the paperwork as long as they were finished in the end. At times like this, Rukia would wonder if the reason for her promotion to the place of vice-captain was because the two third seats would rather anyone but each other advance to that rank despite that the two were probably best friends.

Anyhow, what was most important at that moment was for her to get home before Byakuya.

* * *

Get home…get to the kenseikan… 

Rukia couldn't help but chuckle evilly at the thought as she left the thirteenth division headquarters. Byakuya sneezed.

"Taichou! People say that if you sneeze for no reason, it's because somebody is doing something behind your back!" Abarai Renji said as he pointed his finger at Byakuya's nose.

"Nonsense," Byakuya replied sharply, slapping away Renji's finger. When his vice-captain was out of sight, though, he shivered.

_Maybe what he said was true…

* * *

_

Rukia walked calmly down the corridors of the Kuchiki mansion, her head held high as the servants bowed before her when they encountered. Upon reaching the corner, the petite shinigami pushed herself onto the wall and risked a peek down the hall that led to Byakuya's room. _All clear. Ready to go!_ She stuck her head out a bit more to take one last look. Seeing nobody in sight, she quickly used her shunpo to sneak into the room.

The female shinigami crept her way towards the dark corner where the cabinets were located. Opening drawer after drawer in search of the headpiece of nobility, she grunted in frustration without having found it. _Damn it! He must've placed it on the uppermost drawer!_ Going on her tip-toes, she managed to reach the tubes that lay there in the darkness.

"Found it! The special rubber kenseikan that nii-sama wears on rainy days! Guaranteed stiffness even in the wettest conditions!" Rukia exclaimed as she eagerly took out the bubble tea and scissors she had obtained from Ichigo in the human world. Excitement overwhelming her common sense, Rukia took the scissors and cut out a tube of the rubber kenseikan and stuck it into the hole of the bubble tea container. _This is it! I'll taste bubble tea!_

At that very moment, a very nervous Byakuya (nervous because of what Renji had said about sneezing) opened the shouji doors to retire to his room. Upon hearing the sound, Rukia quickly slammed the drawer shut and stuffed the wrecked kenseikan into her robes. Byakuya stared at her, completely not expecting her presence, and she gave a forced smile in return.

"N-n-nii-sama…" Rukia stuttered.

"Is there a reason for your presence in my bedchamber?" Byakuya inquired, narrowing his eyes.

"I-I-I was…was…trying to find you," Rukia blurted out without much thought.

"And for what reason would that be?" Byakuya continued his inquiry. Rukia could feel the cold drops of sweat trickle down her spine.

"Um…" she began, unsure of what to say until she saw the bubble tea lying on the ground in front of her, "I just recalled a discovery that I made in the human world. It slipped out of my mind because…er…well…it isn't all that important…but I thought it might be interesting to show you, nii-sama…"

"Is that so?" Byakuya asked, lowering himself to sit in front of Rukia and the bubble tea. He stared at the reddish liquid in the plastic container, mixed with ice and black spheres that lay at the bottom of the drink. "What is this?"

"Th-they call it watermelon bubble tea…" Rukia answered.

"Ah…" Byakuya muttered, picking up the container to examine how to drink it. Recalling his past conversations with Rukia regarding juice packets, he placed his lips on the special straw (without the slightest idea that it is a part of his kenseikan) and took a sip.

"I-Is it good?" Rukia asked, interested.

"It tastes like watermelon…and water…and ice…and mochi…" Byakuya answered dreamily.

"I guess it isn't that good then…damn that Ichigo…" Rukia muttered under her breath, but Byakuya was too obsessed with his drink to notice.

"The best part about it is the taste of red pepper," Byakuya said to nobody in particular.

_What part of watermelon bubble tea would contain red pepper? Shit! It must be nii-sama's red pepper flavored shampoo!_

"Is it just me, or is this scent a bit too familiar?" Byakuya asked. Rukia sweatdropped.

End of Chapter

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Motoko Aoyama: Yeah, I made Rukia the vice captain of the thirteenth division, but seeing that the Sode no Shirayuki looks much more useful than that spiked ball of the second division vice, I really think that she deserves that rank. So, how was it? Good? Bad? Please give me some feedback, positive or negative, it is all fine with me as long as you don't flame. Constructive criticism is more than welcome, and just a note saying that you've read this is good too. Thanks for reading! Have fun with Bleach! 


	2. Kenseikan Makeover Part 1

Motoko Aoyama: Thank you very, very, very much for your support! I'm glad you all liked the red-pepper flavored shampoo and all that. I figured that since Byakuya liked spicy stuff, he might want to spice up his hair a little bit. Well, special thanks goes to the reviewers The Library Angelus, SuzeK, dizzified, Kitsune Freak, Komo Pineconeseed, Fae Black, KitChi, Sophia, MagenKyotenChiten, sphinx and fanficzgrl! I don't know how to express my gratitude, but really, big thanks for getting me back into fanfiction mood! This chapter will be a bit short because it is just part one of several parts about how Rukia will attempt to fix up the kenseikan that she ruined in the last chapter. There will be references to Rukia's zanpakutou, Sode no Shirayuki.

Vocabulary (once again)

Sode no Shirayuki – Rukia's zanpakutou, translated as Sleeve of White Snow

Senbonzakura – Byakuya's zanpakutou, translated as Thousand Cherry Blossoms

Zanpakutou – Soul Slayer. A shinigami's sword.

Seireitei – Court of Pure Souls. The place in Soul Society where the shinigami live.

Tsugi no mai, Hakuren – Next Dance, White Ripple. Name of Sode no Shirayuki's second shikai ability which blasts out sheets of white ice.

Shikai – first release of a zanpakutou

Like last chapter, please enjoy!

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Disclaimer: Everyone knows that I don't own Bleach. I doubt people would think I'm Kubo Tite…

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**Colorful Kuchiki**

Chapter 2: Kenseikan Makeover Part 1 – Sode no Shirayuki's Nightmare

Kuchiki Rukia had never been so interested in the weather forecast. In fact, she never quite paid attention to the sky since she figured that whatever dangers lurked in the clouds, it wouldn't kill her, or rather, she was a Death God so she couldn't really die again because of a little rain. However, since the little incident when she stole Byakuya's rainproof kenseikan, she had been a big fan of the weather programs on Ichigo's television set. After all, a higher probability of precipitation meant a higher probability of Byakuya finding out about the missing kenseikan, and with it, a higher probability of Rukia losing her life. Yes, rain wouldn't kill her, but she wasn't so sure about a shower of senbonzakura petals…

Of course, Kurosaki Ichigo knew nothing about the little incident, so it was only logical that he was extremely inconsiderate of the way Rukia barged into his house, drew her zanpakutou, and pointed it at his neck to force him to watch weather programs. It became extremely irritating when the annoying songs they played in the background during the forecasts replayed themselves continually for the twelve hours of the shinigami's stay. This made Ichigo forget about the proximity of Rukia's blade to ponder about his options.

Option number one: tell Rukia that she is an idiot

"_Be quiet, fool!" Rukia would scold while she pressed her blade closer to his throat. He would gulp and be quiet, letting the weather songs continue playing. _

Option number two: convince Rukia to watch "Chappy the Rabbit"

"_You think I'm stupid? If I wanted to watch it, I would've done so, idiot!" Rukia would snap at him before turning her head back to the TV screen. Completely ignored, Ichigo would just let the weather songs play once more._

Option number three: turn off the TV

"_HOW DARE YOU, ICHIGO!" Rukia would yell while she killed him._

_Ichigo would then die and become a shinigami._

_Okay, it wasn't as if it were his first time as a shinigami, so why not?_

"Yeah, option number three rocks!" Ichigo said, waking from his reverie only to find that Rukia wasn't there no more. On the TV screen was a long term forecast that predicted rain in three days.

* * *

_Three days._

_Damn, only three days to repair the kenseikan._

Rukia had no idea where to find the material needed to repair the kenseikan. She needed something tube-like and stiff, but if it were that easy, she wouldn't have cut up the kenseikan to drink bubble tea in the first place. Racking her brain for a clue, Rukia rolled around in her futon with such frustration that she accidentally kicked Sode no Shirayuki that lay by her side.

"Oh yeah! Sode no Shirayuki!" Rukia said to her zanpakutou. If only the sword could run, it would've sprinted out of Seireitei in a matter of seconds.

* * *

"Tsugi no mai, Hakuren!" Rukia blasted another mass of white ice at the destroyed kenseikan in hopes of making the tube that she had damaged. Sode no Shirayuki was in the verge of tears upon seeing her extremely poor sense of art. 

Yeah, it was the one thousandth mass of white ice that had been laid onto the destroyed kenseikan, but still, the ice looked nothing like a tube.

The poor zanpakutou could remember that the first attempt of an ice-sculpted tube looked like a blob of fresh, white bubblegum that got plastered on the sidewalks of Ichigo's world. Rukia just somehow managed to spread the ice on the kenseikan in such a random shape that it didn't look like anything besides that. It was then that the petite shinigami decided that she should thin the ice a bit, but the second attempt looked no better, resembling bird droppings. Consequently, she continued firing her shikai at the kenseikan, but to absolutely no avail. There was, perhaps, slight improvement. At least the one thousandth attempt was sort of long and slender, but just the wrong shape, that of a triangular prism.

So, Kuchiki Rukia stared at the kenseikan, two undamaged tubes stuck to a triangular prism of ice, completely unaware of the fact that her room turned into a freezer, with icicles forming on the ceiling and sheets of ice covering the four walls and the floor.

"I guess that isn't how to do it, huh?" Rukia said to nobody in particular. Sode no Shirayuki breathed, metaphorically, a sigh of relief when she lowered the sword to think over a solution.

Then, all of a sudden, she remembered dragging Ichigo to one of those carnivals with ice sculptures on display. How did they make those again?

"Oh yeah! I should carve on the ice!" Rukia yelled, causing Sode no Shirayuki to inwardly shudder, "Let's get to work, Sode no Shirayuki!"

The zanpakutou so wished that it could grow legs when its owner started cutting into the ice with the sharp blade.

* * *

Cold water swooshed on Rukia's face to wake her up as the morning sunlight shone into the bedchamber, melting the ice within. She was rather confused to see her room slightly flooded, but when she recalled how she had fallen asleep after sculpting an octagonal prism, the closest she managed to get to a circular tube, she leapt up and started looking around for the kenseikan. 

_It has to be here, it has to be here! _Rukia's mind repeated those words as she stomped around in her room with the water level rising swiftly while more ice melted with the warming temperature. She finally felt something soft under her bare feet, causing her to feel an intense, horrible, feeling in her stomach. _Please don't tell me…please don't tell me that…_

She looked down to see the remaining two tubes of the kenseikan below her left foot, the octagonal prism of ice complete disappeared.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

Byakuya narrowed his gaze at the rice in front of him when he heard his sister's scream. He ate another mouthful while his ear twitched at the high pitched sound of agony. 

"That is so Inuyasha…" a servant whispered.

Byakuya's ears twitched again.

End of Chapter

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Motoko Aoyama: Okay, I know that was silly, but that is the point of this story, right? That last reference to Inuyasha was in regards to how Inuyasha's ears twitch when he hears something strange. If you didn't get it, that's fine. It was just something that came to my mind. Well, so liked it? Hated it? Please, and I'm begging you really, be so kind as to tell me in your reviews. Reviews don't have to be constructive. I appreciate notes that tell me you are reading this thing so that I know someone is actually reading it. If you want to leave constructive criticism, that is fine too as I'm willing to accept suggestions. As long as it is not a flame, then it is welcomed! Thanks again for reading! 


	3. Kenseikan Makeover Part 2

Motoko Aoyama: Sorry for the long wait. I was quite busy with exams and writing my other stories. Hope you would like this continuation of Rukia's attempts of fixing the kenseikan. Special thanks goes to last chapter's reviewers: Enma Ai, furiana, Shikabane-Mai, viper, kakashidiot, kuchiki miyoko, JapanCat (bubble tea is a sort of drink with these black, circular, jelly-like things at the bottom. It comes in many different flavors. If you type in bubble tea in google images, I'm sure you can find a lot of pictures of them), AbsoluteRandomness, nejsaku12345, Diana, rinsess4Ever, The Library Angelus, MagenKyotenChiten, and catho.

Vocabulary 

Gomenaisai – sorry

Ne – a particle used at the end of sentences. Don't really have much meaning, but it seems to be used the same way as we use "right" as in "I'm so lazy, right?"

Tatami sandals – traditional Japanese sandals that look like it's made out of dried grass or straw…

Ara – another seemingly rather useless particle in speech. Don't really know how to explain it, but if you are really interested in its usage, watch Otohime Mutsumi in Love Hina.

Natto – fermented soy beans. Really slimy and has a horrible smell. I've never tried it personally, but my friend says it's disgusting. Apparently, it is quite popular in Japan…

Gambatte – translates to something like "work hard!"

Hai – it means "yes"

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Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach but I own bleach...

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**Colorful Kuchiki**

Chapter 3: Kenseikan Makeover Part 2 – Fourth Division Kitchen Infiltrated!

Two days left…

As Kuchiki Rukia stared at the clouds that began to develop in the skies, she could completely not concentrate on the pile of paperwork on her desk. With Ukitake-taichou on sick leave again (just how often does he come to work anyway?) she was the only one taking care of the business within the thirteenth division.

"Kuchiki-fukutaichou! I stamped this perfectly! Look! Look!" Kotsubaki waved his document fervently.

"Oh yeah! Look at how nicely I write, Kotsubaki! It is something that you can't do even if you practiced for a thousand years!" Kiyone taunted.

"Duh! Who can write like you? Your writing looks like the ones on a talisman!"

"What did you say?"

"Talisman! The stuff you put on vampires' heads!"

"There are no vampires, Baka! And you are a shinigami too! Look at how shameful he is, Kuchiki-fukutaichou!"

"Oh yeah? Your behavior towards your comrades are shameful too, Kiyone! Punish her, Kuchiki-fukutaichou!"

"But fukutaichou!"

"Look at her, fukutaichou!"

…and those two were not helping the slightest bit…

"Would you two just shut up for a bit!?!" Rukia yelled, releasing her zanpakutou at the same time. The two backed away as she started to wave the white blade dangerously around. As if for revenge for what she did last night, Shirayuki's white ribbon slipped under her tatami sandals to trip her as she approached the duo.

"Kuchiki-fukutaichou!" they yelled in unison.

Rukia struggled to get up from the tangled mess, not noticing the blood that dripped from her mouth when she accidentally bit her lips during the fall.

"Oh no! Kuchiki-fukutaichou has blood in her mouth!"

"Maybe she got the disease from Ukitake-taichou!"

"Or was she abused by Kuchiki-taichou from the sixth division?"

* * *

A crow's sudden cry caused Byakuya to choke on the green tea in his mouth. Renji turned to see his taichou in a very uncomfortable position.

"Taichou! I told you someone is doing something bad behind your back. Look at all these bad omens!"

Byakuya spit his tea at Renji, causing him to blink in the green rain.

"Don't be troubled by your illusions, Abarai. I shall now attend to some important business," Byakuya spoke before he left the office.

"Damn…does that mean I have to clean this up?" Renji asked the air.

* * *

After beating her two third seats unconscious, Rukia sat back in her seat to glance over the paperwork. On the top of the pile was a document that had to be approved and sent to the fourth division.

"Fourth division? Isn't that where the kitchen is?" Rukia smiled mischievously, causing a gazillion crows to gather at the Fourth division headquarters as a sign of bad omen.

* * *

"Ara? What is this?" Captain Unohana looked into the skies.

"I'm not sure, but my telepathy with my sister tells me that she is in trouble…" Isane spoke.

"But isn't Kiyone-chan always in trouble?" Unohana replied with a sweatdrop.

* * *

Rukia walked into the Fourth Division grounds confidently with the document in her hands, knowing that she could now walk freely without raising suspicion. Despite that she seemed to have an important purpose for being there, her mind was really preoccupied with plans to repair the kenseikan. Strolling to the division office, she bumped into the clumsy Hanatarou who dropped everything onto the ground from the collision.

"Gomenasai! Gomenasai! Gomenasai!" Hanatarou repeatedly apologized as he bowed.

"It's fine, Hanatarou. You don't have to freak out like that…" Rukia said. Only then did he raise his head to meet the raven-haired girl.

"Oh! It is Rukia-san! I didn't even notice until now!" Hanatarou cried.

"You never notice anything," Rukia replied jokingly with a smile, "You should quickly pick up your things, ne?"

Just then, Hanatarou looked at something that he picked up; two white tubes that seemed to look eerily familiar.

"Isn't this the kenseikan…" Hanatarou muttered, causing Rukia's eyes to dart towards him and snatch the fabric before anyone noticed.

"Shhhhhh! Don't be so loud!" Rukia shouted. Everyone looked at the two until Rukia coughed with vice-captain pride. Taking Hanatarou to the side, she explained everything to him.

"So those things called scissors accidentally, and I mean accidentally, cut through the fabric…and the tube just happened to fall into the bubbly tea or whatever it is called…and…" Rukia stuttered.

"In other words, you destroyed the kenseikan…"

"That's NOT what I meant. It was an accident!"

Hanatarou nodded hurriedly as Rukia's eyes seemed to light up with a violent glow.

"So how can I help you?" he asked.

"Well, can you get me some of those foreign dried noodles with a hole in the middle? You know, the ones Inoue-san brought over the last time she trained here?"

"You mean the stuff called pasta?"

"Yeah, that! Get me some of that and some natto."

"Hai! I'll try my best!"

* * *

After Rukia dropped off her document at the fourth division office and walked back to the entrance that she had came from, Hanatarou met with her with his head covered by the green medicine bag that he normally wore.

"Wha! What's with that look, Hanatarou?" Rukia jumped at his new appearance.

"I was trying to conceal myself like those thieves!"

"Err…that actually makes you more suspicious, Hanatarou…"

"Oh right…I didn't think of that, but anyway, here is the natto and pasta that you requested, Rukia-san. Gambatte!" Hanatarou said upon handing over the items. He hurriedly left with the green bag still over his head.

"Uh…Hanatarou…your bag…"

* * *

Rukia left with a sigh, knowing that Hanatarou would be the same Hanatarou all the time. Looking at the stuff in her hands, she couldn't help but smile mischievously again. She was totally saved this time!

Making her way back to the thirteenth division office, Rukia placed the items on her desk after knocking out Kiyone and Kotsubaki again (poor things…) She dug out the kenseikan and laid it out on the desk like a fish about to be dissected.

"Hehe…here I come, Kenseikan-san!"

Her evil voice made the two third-seats shiver in their sleep.

Pulling out the box of paints that Ichigo had so generously shoved to her last Christmas (not that they celebrated Christmas…it was just that Rukia wanted an excuse for a present), she pried open the container of white paint and dipped a strand of dry pasta, the size of a kenseikan tube, into the liquid. Taking it out and placing it atop of some paperwork, Rukia whipped out her sword and used its powerful reiatsu wind to blow-dry the strand. As if that wasn't enough torture for her zanpakutou's actions earlier that day, she used the blade like a butter knife to spread the strong-smelling natta slime onto the side of the painted pasta so that it would stick to the remains of the kenseikan.

"All done!" Rukia shouted in happiness, taking little notice of the person who just entered the room.

"May I inquire what has just been completed, Rukia-san?"

Rukia jumped at the voice and whammed her back against the wall in an attempt to escape. Raising her shaking fingers at the incomer, she managed to stammer.

"Ne…NEMU!"

"What has made you so fearful, Rukia-san?" Kurotsuchi Nemu said in her characteristic monotone. Rukia's eyes darted to and fro between the twelfth division vice captain and the just-repaired kenseikan.

"Ah…I…uh…I just spilled some of that white-out stuff on my paperwork…that's why I got a little nervous…" Rukia stammered while she noticed the painted documents beneath where the kenseikan was when it was blow-dried.

"I see…but do you mind if I ask the reason for Kuchiki-taichou's natto-smelling kenseikan to be at this place?"

Rukia sighed. She had no choice but to tell Nemu the truth…

* * *

"So that was how it happened…" Nemu answered after Rukia finished her story, "It is indeed quite unfortunate, but the possibility of these coincidences occurring together is about one in a billion, which is a lower probability than winning the Shinigami Lottery."

"If you don't believe me, I'll resort to violence!" Rukia yelled as she released her zanpakutou again. Nemu went out of character as she waved her hands in a gesture of surrender.

"If you don't mind, I would gladly help you test the stability of the repaired kenseikan, Rukia-san…as long as you put down your zanpakutou…" Nemu pleaded. Rukia reluctantly sheathed her blade and followed her to the twelfth division headquarters.

* * *

The Shinigami Centre of Research and Technology was always an extremely mysterious place with the dim lights flickering and flashing, and the walls lined with machinery and wires of all sorts. Members of the division were always sleep-deprived and worked behind shining glasses that glinted evilly into the darkness. A particularly scary-looking one reached out with a thin, gray arm that made Rukia leap back and clash into a computer.

"Kurotsuchi-fukutaichou…experiment 109636 trial 908 has just been completed…would you like the results?" he asked in a croaking voice.

"I will take a look when I'm done my business with Kuchiki-fukutaichou," Nemu replied, continuing to lead the girl deeper into the building. Turning around a corner, they reached a strange-looking tank that looked like it needed some cleaning.

"What the hell is that, Nemu…" Rukia muttered, pointing at the run-down equipment.

"This is the kenseikan-testing machine. Due to the shrinking population of nobles, and with it the market for kenseikan production, this machine hasn't been used for over a decade." Nemu explained.

"Even if shinigami don't age significantly in ten years, machines sure do…" Rukia mumbled.

Rukia handed Nemu the kenseikan which she placed on a tray in the tank. With the press of a button, a strong wind started blowing along the tubes to simulate the effects of a storm.

"This wind is traveling at 1000 meters per second in order to test its durability when its owner uses shunpo. Despite that the new strand is only attached by natto slime, it seems to be holding well against the simulation," Nemu explained.

"That's because it IS natto…" Rukia muttered.

As they spoke, the wind withdrew and a powerful blast of lightning hit the kenseikan mercilessly, causing Rukia to shut her eyes due to the brightness. Risking a peek, she can make out the kenseikan that stayed strong despite the battering.

"This is the simulation for high-reiatsu conditions. It is necessary for the kenseikan to stay in good conditions during high-leveled battles that noble shinigami are engaged in. Not only does it have to withstand the opponent's reiatsu, but also its owner's."

Rukia finally opened her eyes when the flashing faded and water started pouring in. After passing the two tests, this one should've been an easy one.

"I guess we should just stop this. I have to hurry and give it to Nii-sama," Rukia answered, failing to witness something drastic that happened to the kenseikan.

"Are you sure about that, Rukia-san?" Nemu said, pointing at the paint that dissolved in the water. Rukia widened her eyes at the scene and stared down at the paint that she had subconsciously picked up on the way to the twelfth division headquarters.

"WATER-SOLUBLE PAINT!?!"

* * *

In the mean time, the fourth division was still completely confused about the missing natto and pasta. Perhaps the kitchen was…infiltrated?

End of Chapter

* * *

Motoko Aoyama: Thanks for reading. Please be so kind as to show your support by leaving a review behind, be it constructive criticism, comments, questions, suggestions, or just a note saying that you have read this. Anything other than flames is gladly accepted! Next Chapter: the last part of the kenseikan-rescuing mission! What type of material would Rukia use to succeed? Find out in the next installment! 


	4. Kenseikan Makeover Part 3

Motoko Aoyama: Heya! It's been a long time since I've updated this story. Before I apologize for my late update and give the vocabulary of this chapter, please allow me to thank all my reviewers: DarkSetsuna-Chan (the story won't be ending anytime soon, so please keep on reading!), Silent Kunoichi aka. Fiona, Gaignun Girl, Seriously Yours, EHEHEHE, Startsky Chan, pinoykengumi7 (thanks for picking out my spelling mistake! It's gomenasai for me, haha), Uchiha Yumi, JapanCat (it'll be fixed in this chapter), Satan Hat (I know she isn't a seated officer in canon, but this is a fanfic, so yeah…), CB (ok…I DO keep up with the Bleach manga. I DO know Rukia isn't a seated officer, but this story isn't canon because otherwise I'll be making a gazillion dollars, right? Sorry for my frustration, but I'm just really tired of people telling me what is SUPPOSED to happen. I mean, telling me that a character is OOC is fine, giving plot suggestions is fine too, but telling me what the plot is SUPPOSED to be like is just too much), Shikabane-Mai and obsessed dreamer. Sorry for my little lash out there regarding the "Rukia isn't even a seated officer so she can't be a vice captain" thingy there. I'm actually not quite in a good mood currently…that's why I'm writing a funny fanfic. I just hope that people would recognize that this is a fanfic and if everything must be canon, then it is obvious that Byakuya won't use red peppered shampoo and Nemu won't own a kenseikan testing machine… Anyhow, I apologize for my bad manners and late update. Hopefully, that hasn't deterred you from reading on. If it has, then I must apologize again. Sorry for the long rant, here is the vocab:

Jigokucho: Hell's butterfly

Gikongan: Soul candy

Ichigo (the fruit): strawberry

Denreishinki: the shinigami cell phone thingy

Kidou: demon arts, shinigami spells techniques

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, this story isn't canon, do not attempt any of the kenseikan-making methods described in this fic…it is not…err…healthy…

* * *

**Colorful Kuchiki**

Chapter 4: Kenseikan Makeover Part 3 – Unexpected Hero

A very grumpy Kuchiki Rukia stuck out her zanpakutou and ripped apart the door that opened up in the real world. The jigokucho fluttered away quickly in order to avoid the ominously glinting white sword.

"How dare he…" the shinigami muttered, her voice trembling in anger. As the remnants of the paper door fell to the ground, it revealed the item she carried with her other hand…

A pack of water soluble paint.

* * *

DUN DUN DUN…

The sound of impending doom rang in Ichigo's room. He shot up on his bed and twisted his head 360 degrees to scan for dangers. There was nothing. He thought that he was having a nightmare (but he recalled dreaming of burning all the Chappy the Rabbit gikongan so that can't be it…), so he convinced himself to lie down again.

DUN DUN DUN…

The moment he laid down, the sound came again. Was it because he was slightly drowsy? Was it because he was sleepwalking or something along those lines? He shrugged and lay back down.

DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN!!!!!

The sound was so loud and repetitive that it can no longer be classified as the sound of impending doom, but rather, the most annoying and ridiculous sound on this Earth. There was no doubt that Ichigo was fully awake by now. That sound was real. It was somebody…somebody annoying…like a certain raven-haired shinigami who trampled into his life in a most unexpected manner, then trampled away in the exact same way.

"Ru…"

He tried to scream out her name, but his voice was cut off when a pack of water-soluble paint smacked his handsome face (well, he thinks it is handsome, or rather, he thinks she thinks it is handsome…). Lying back from the concussion, he got his back stabbed by the glass shards that had fallen from the shattered windows. As if that weren't enough, the petite shinigami bounded up the two-storey house, through the window, and landed right on his stomach with her zanpakutou on his neck.

"How dare you, you orange-haired, whacky, stupid, dense strawberry (ichigo)!" Rukia yelled into his ears.

"I'm not a strawberry! Do I look like I have green hair and red-pink skin?" Ichigo snapped.

Rukia conveniently picked up the pack of water soluble paint that had fallen off his face and smudged green paint on his hair and red paint on his face.

"Now you do."

Ichigo sighed.

* * *

"So you tried to use water soluble paint to paint a pasta kenseikan?"

Nod…nod…

"A PASTA kenseikan?"

Nod…nod…

He laughed. She smacked him again.

"But what does that have to do with me?"

"Because YOU were the one who gave me the paint."

"But you were the one who's so stupid to not read 'water soluble'"

She smacked him once more.

"Fine, fine. It is my fault then, but what was that DUN DUN DUN sound anyway?"

"It is the 'sound of impending doom' ring tone of my denreishinki. I specifically bought that ring tone for good bucks just to frighten you."

He laughed. She smacked him another time. I'm running out of words to describe this, so let's just assume that Rukia smacks him continuously unless otherwise stated.

"And why did you throw that box of paint on my face? I thought you thought my face is handsome!"

"Well, it's your fault for thinking that I think your face is handsome. Next time, you must think that I think your face is not handsome. Otherwise I'll smack it until it is gruesome so that you would think I think your face is gruesome."

"Can you stop with the I think you think I think thing?"

Obviously that earned him a smack, but then again, it is assumed, right?

* * *

The hunt was on. In order to prevent his face from swelling due to continuous smacks, Ichigo reluctantly agreed to help Rukia look for a suitable material to repair the rainy day kenseikan. With a flashlight in hand (he attempted one of Rukia's kidou things but upon blowing up half his room, he figured that human technology is safest) he sneaked down the halls of his house with the shinigami. Coming into the sisters' room, Rukia grabbed a glue stick from the top of their desk.

"What is this?"

"A glue stick."

"I mean what is it, not what is the name!"

"It is a stick of glue!"

"So what does it do?"

"It glues things…"

"So why isn't my hand glued now?"

"You have to take off the top, Idiot…"

Rukia took off the top and experimented with it on Ichigo's lips, gluing them shut.

"We could use this as a kenseikan after we hollow out the glue!" Rukia exclaimed.

"Umm…ummumm..UUUUUUMMMM!" Ichigo struggled to speak.

"I guess not. It might glue nii-sama's beautiful hair."

* * *

Rukia picked up another item off their desk. It was a giant stick-shaped eraser.

"What is this?"

"An eraser." Ichigo answered upon finally freeing his lips from the monstrous glue.

"I know what it does! It erases! Am I smart?"

"Yeah…yeah…"

"So that means I can't use it as a kenseikan because it would erase the blackness of nii-sama's beautiful hair."

Ichigo almost burst out laughing, so he tried to follow Rukia's logic, but imagining Byakuya with a streak of white hair like a pop star is even funnier than erasing hair color!

"_Lalala, lalala…I erased my hair…falalala…"_

Ichigo laughed and was smacked again.

* * *

Finally coming out of the sisters' rooms without a finding, they proceeded to Ichigo's father's room. Jumping in joy, Rukia came upon a long, rubber object sitting on the cabinet beside the bed.

"What is this!?!"

"Something that you shouldn't know about."

"Why?"

"It is something that you shouldn't know about, so don't ask!"

"At least tell me what it is for!"

"Idiot, this fic is rated T! If I explain in detail, it would make this fic rated mature!"

"But you're fifteen, right? That isn't mature…"

"That is beside the point!"

"Well, I won't force it out of you then. I'll just take it and shape it into the kenseikan."

Ichigo couldn't imagine Byakuya wearing THAT thing on his head.

"You can't. My dad bought it for my sister, it is just that I won't allow him to give it to her because she is still too young to…err…use it."

"You say no to this, no to that…it is pissing me off! At least tell me the name of this material!" Rukia nearly shouted.

"It's…err…ah…" Ichigo struggled, "a dildo."

* * *

Ichigo dragged Rukia out of the room before she found any more items that could potentially cause this fic to be taken off the site. After a tiring search, they settled in the living room and watched some late night TV to get some…inspiration.

The program they happened to be watching was…English-subbed _Bleach_.

"Hey, isn't that me? Why is my voice so squeaky?" Rukia exclaimed.

"Don't ask me! Can't you hear what happened to my voice?" Ichigo grumbled.

"Oh well, I love the sound effects for the smacking."

"Shut up!"

A real and virtual smack sounded simultaneously.

"Oh…how come I disappeared?" Rukia asked.

"Because it is the commercials…"

They watched the first commercial where a bunch of kids were holding onto white remote controls and slashing at imaginary things in the air that is supposed to let them simulate the fighting of shinigami. Ichigo was in no shock, but Rukia sighed.

"Has schizophrenia become the latest trend?" she asked.

"I'm surprised you know what schizophrenia is…" Ichigo replied.

SMACK

The next commercial showed a package of long, white things which is promoted to be able to withstand high amounts of fluid and has a good fitting that makes it very comfortable. Rukia leaped up from the couch and started to attack the TV with her zanpakutou.

"What the fuck are you doing!?!" Ichigo yelled.

"I'm trying to dig up that package of things!" Rukia replied.

"Idiot, you can't dig up things from the TV!"

Rukia ignored him.

"Here, come with me," Ichigo snapped, dragging her to the washroom. From the cabinet, he grabbed a pack of Karin's tampons and threw it into Rukia's face.

"Is that what you want?"

Rukia nodded.

"Good, now get the hell out of my house!"

* * *

Thus, our kenseikan-repairing mission finally concludes with the appearance of the superhero: Tampon-san. Hollowing it out, gluing it onto the rest of the kenseikan with natto slime, the rainy day kenseikan is once again in its wondrous glory.

The white noodles swayed proudly atop the noble's head with his every movement, guarding his hair from messiness. It is highly resistant to water and has excellent fit that makes it extremely comfortable. It displayed his nobleness in its every strand. It made him proud of himself.

But Byakuya felt a little strange on this fateful rainy day.

It seemed as though he smelled slightly strange. Maybe it was the nattos in his breakfast.

But why did one strand of his kenseikan seem to have bloated?

Maybe it just absorbed a bit of his strong reiatsu…

* * *

In the mean time, Karin thought that their house was broken into last night…

Or worse yet, a family member developed some very strange behaviour…

End of Chapter

* * *

Motoko Aoyama: Sorry for the randomness! I just wrote down whatever came to my mind and it got a little…err…weird. Oh well, I hope it was humorous and it helped make you day! Thanks for reading! Any comments, suggestions, notes saying you've read this, constructive criticism is welcomed, so please be supportive and leave a review behind! Next Chapter: A new colourful Kuchiki episode is about to begin! How can Byakuya and company protect Rukia while she attends a convention…not just any ordinary convention, but a cosplay event? 


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